Why hello young Sir/Madam, how are you keeping today?  I didn’t expect to see you here after subjecting yourself to this last year.  And the year before.  In fact you’ve been coming back for more for quite some time now, how I admire your tenacity!  How I admire your steadfast clinging to the hope that you will survive the months of February and March unscathed by the complete depletion of Arsenal’s already slim trophy chances.  And how I must admire your chin up, “…always next year!” approach to being thoughtlessly, callously and sometimes bewilderingly left without anything to cheer in the late spring months.

What huge heart you must possess to indulge little Theodore Walcott in his pursuit to become the next Thierry Henry.  The next ‘God of the North Bank’ he could yet be, and you relent on allowing this young man to fulfill his dreams of being the main man up front despite some performances that one could only describe as valiantly inept.  Not quite Thierry Henry, yet, not too far off Francis Jeffers.  ”Pay him what he wants!” I hear some of you holler.

When I see him strolling around the opposition half, fists clenched and poised just above his waist like he’s ready to do his best Frank the Tank impersonation, posing no threat whatsoever to any Premier League centre back worth his granulated and rocky salt, I genuinely believe that yes he IS worth the 100k a week Arsenal should just throw at him to keep him at the club.  Pay him what he wants.  85k?  Whatever number wage you happen to be thinking of, put 85k on top of that, then that’s what we should be paying Theodore.

At least Theo Walcott isn’t being held up as the saviour to Arsenal’s striking problems… oh.  Oh he is, is he?  You’re telling me Arsene Wenger doesn’t look like adding to his squad any time soon?  Even though Arsenal are heading into a period when their already paper thin squad will be stretched to the max, and options off the bench ranging from Aaron Ramsey to…?

Well, that should make the Car Crash even more head on, smacking your face against the steering wheel with no air cushion lovely.  There’s a saying about those who continually come back for pain.  I don’t know it, personally, as I’m too busy refreshing my BBC Sport feed to see if Arsene’s pulled his finger out of his bottom.  He hasn’t.  Looks like QPR have managed  to sign some alright players though.  I see some of you frustrated we didn’t sign those players.  I say fiddlesticks to you!  Fiddlesticks and Cranberry juice.  This club only look for players of exceptional quality, because we are exceptionally adept at shooting ourselves in the foot.

I digress.

Welcome to the Arsenal Mid Season Car Crash.  The journey starts today in earnest against a team that seem to be better at being Arsenal than.. Arsenal?  Enjoy.  Don’t forget to forget to wear your seat belt, it’s going to be one horrible, unsighted carrot on your car seat, uncomfortable ride.

Honestly, I do love Arsenal,

and I love you too.

(In all seriousness, I really do hope we win tonight and that Arsene proves them all wrong one more time this season by landing a trophy.  More than anything in the world.)